There’s a new show on TV called Breaking Into Tesco’s, which I gather is a Dragon’s Den rip-off in that people try to get their products bought by Tesco.

Well from the new products that I tried in this week’s shop, it must be pretty easy to do as I was shocked how awul this stuff was – and yet it still managed to get past the tasters and quality control people onto the shelves. Luckily as these things were new they were on special offer and quite cheap (all under a Pound):

  1. Starting off with BBQ Dip. I like their humus, which is in the same range, so thought I’d try this. Big mistake. Its basically an orange sludgey concoction which tastes sweet.

  2. Tikka Dip. Another dip, another orange sludgey thing, this one’s a bit more grainy and fluorescent. Still pretty bad, but edible, not at all like a Tikka though. I think you take the BBQ dip and add the contents of the nearest hoover bag, and that becomes tikka dip.

  3. Cheese & Chive Dip. As far as I can tell its goat semen with egg yolk thrown in! I recall that being a friend’s description of feta. Quite literally felt ill after a mouthful, no wonder female goats look depressed.

  4. Spicy Plum Sauce. Own up Tesco – you bought too much ginger and wanted to make something with it? This must be 98% ginger and 2% burgundy sludgey fluid thing. Not spicey and not plum sauce – which in my book is basically Hoi-sin.

  5. Peanut Satay. This was edible, tasted of peanuts but was too sweet and almost entirely unpourable (is that a word?!) One-out-of-ten for presentation as it basically looks like its already been digested if you get my not too fine a point.

  6. The last one was kinda risking being awful and I was not disappointed – Anchovy Paste was quite frankly sandwich spread and salt. I like anchovies and thought this would be a cheap alternative to the actual fishies, boy was I wrong. Did drink two pints of lovely Balmers cider afterwards (of which the pear was better than the apple).

Hopefully the purchasing department at Tesco’s have been thrown off the roof, or at least force-fed some of this junk.